How to Tell Him What You Want: The Importance of Clear Communication

Clear CommunicationEvery successful relationship thrives on one fundamental pillar—communication. Without clear and open communication, even the strongest of relationships can slowly disintegrate.

A common challenge many people face is articulating their needs and wants. We often find ourselves asking, “How do I tell him what I want?”

This simple question has a giant impact on our relationships. Telling him what you want is the gateway to mutual understanding, satisfaction, and harmony in your relationship.

Telling your partner what you want does more than just get you what you desire. It :

1. fosters an environment of honesty, trust, and respect.

2. ensures your emotional, mental, and even physical needs are met.

3. deepens the connection and intimacy with our partner.

The First Step

Before you can tell him what you want, it’s important to understand what it is you desire in the first place.

Many times, we find it difficult to express our needs simply because we aren’t clear about what they are. We feel a sense of dissatisfaction or unease but can’t pinpoint what’s causing it.

Begin by taking some time for introspection. A diary is a great place to organize your thoughts and create a plan to get what you want.

Some good points to consider as you brainstorm:

  1. Reflect on what is missing. What you don’t want is a good starting point because it is often easiest for us to come up with answers. But it is a dangerous place to stay. Move as quickly through this step as possible.
  2. Consider what you truly want.Knowing which direction to point your ship is even more important than what you don’t want. This could be anything from wanting more emotional support, more quality time together, or even expressing your preferences in your physical relationship.
  3. Recognizing your needs and acknowledging their importance. Many people fall into the trap of minimizing their own needs due to fear of appearing needy or demanding. However, it’s crucial to remember that having needs is not a weakness—it’s an essential part of being human.

The Second Step

Now that you’re clear about your wants and needs, the next step is to understand your partner’s perspective. Communication is a two-way street, and for it to be effective, it requires empathy and understanding from both parties. By identifying your own style and adapting to your partner’s, you create a dialogue that respects both your needs.

  • 1. Understanding communication style significantly enhances the way we express our desires-
    • A. direct communication is forthright and says exactly what they need, which can be highly effective but may come off as assertive or blunt to some.  This is what most masculine people use and therefore think their partners will do the same.
    • B. indirect communication expresses desires more subtly, often using hints or suggestions. Although this can avoid potential confrontations, it may also lead to misunderstandings.
  • 2. Recognize their love language. When you know your partner’s love language, you can recognize when they are trying to express that love and communicate in a way that your partner finds loving. These languages are:
    • words of affirmation– positive verbal expressions or compliments that show appreciation, love, and support. They could include statements like “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” or “I’m proud of you,” and serve to boost self-esteem and reinforce love in relationships.
    • acts of service- intentional actions that ease the responsibilities of another person, demonstrating love and care. Examples include doing chores, preparing meals, or offering help with tasks to show your affection and commitment in a practical, helpful manner.
    • physical touch– conveying affection, comfort, and love through physical contact. This could be as simple as holding hands, hugging, cuddling, or a gentle touch on the arm, serving to build a sense of security and emotional intimacy in a relationship.
    • quality time– undivided attention to another person, focusing on shared activities or simply being together. It’s about creating meaningful interactions that foster deeper connections, such as having deep conversations, enjoying shared hobbies, or even quietly reading together.
    • receiving gifts– the joy and appreciation derived from thoughtful presents given by a loved one. The gifts don’t have to be extravagant; it’s more about the sentiment behind the gift, symbolizing love, effort, and the giver’s understanding of the recipient’s tastes and preferences.

Knowing what your partner wants and how they communicate can make it easier for you to express your needs in a way they’ll understand. Just because a person uses one of these styles or languages does not mean that they do not value another method as well. People often use a combination or perceive one language as another.

Keep in mind that understanding your partner’s wants doesn’t mean compromising your own. Instead, it allows for a balanced dialogue where both parties feel heard and valued. This fosters better understanding, satisfaction, and intimacy in relationships.

The Third Step

After understanding your wants and your partner’s perspective, the next step is the conversation itself. How you tell him what you want is crucial. The key is to express yourself honestly, respectfully, and clearly.

During your conversation:

  1. Choose an appropriate time and place for the conversation, a moment when both of you are calm and open for discussion.
  2. Use “I” statements to express your feelings instead of “you” statements, which might make your partner feel attacked or defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You never spend time with me,” try saying, “I feel lonely when we don’t spend quality time together.”
  3. Be as specific as possible when telling him what you want. Vague statements can lead to misunderstandings and further frustration. If you want more quality time together, suggest a weekly date night. If you desire more emotional support, explain what that looks like for you.

Remember, the goal is not to win an argument but to convey your needs and work towards fulfilling them together.


Learning how to tell him what you want is an ongoing journey of understanding and growing together. It’s about fostering a partnership where both parties feel heard, valued, and loved. It may feel challenging initially, but with patience, empathy, and understanding, it becomes easier over time.

If you think you might need more help, I have created a course that goes more into depth on each of these steps and walks you through how to be ready for this conversation. Click here for access!

Remember that the goal of telling him what you want is not about manipulation or getting your way in every situation. It’s about building a strong, healthy relationship where both of you are happy. It’s about creating an environment of mutual respect and understanding where each person’s needs are recognized and fulfilled.

As we learn to articulate our needs better, we deepen our connections and make our relationships stronger. So, take the time to understand what you want, empathize with your partner’s needs, and communicate your needs in a way that fosters understanding. In doing so, you’re not just telling him what you want, you’re building a bond that is built on respect, love, and mutual satisfaction.

We’d love to hear about your experiences and tips about clear communication in relationships. Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments below!

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